Many men dressing as women ask themselves this question. Can I give it up? Can I live without it? Will I resist this temptation? In my experience, the answer is, fortunately or not, one: no. I will try to explain why this is the case on my own example.
Beginnings
Probably most crossdressers started to dress up in childhood or adolescence. I don’t exactly remember when the first “games” came to me. I had my hidden collection of women’s underwear. I hid it under the closet or behind the bed. Unfortunately these were not good places and my parents found out somehow. They did not tell me this, but my things disappeared. I felt bad, I was afraid of their reaction. But strangely enough, they didn’t confront me. Maybe they didn’t want to? I don’t know. Anyway, I knew that my crossdressing is not good, I was ashamed of it and wanted to end it. And you know what? It didn’t work. I couldn’t resist this thrill when I was wearing a woman’s dressing gown. But it taught me to be more careful and hide my things better. I even bought a padlock for the “laptop case” to make it clear: do not open it.
On my own
Then I moved to my own small flat. I lived alone, an ideal situation. At some point, however, I “choked” on crossdressing. Why? Because I was changing my clothes day by day. I would come from work and immediately change my pants for a skirt, shirt for a blouse. On weekends, when I didn’t go anywhere, I spent the whole day in the aparment en femme. But after two weeks of such a “marathon”, I realized that I probably don’t want to live like that. That I miss my male alter ego a little bit, though. I felt “not myself”, if you can call it that. Again, the crossdressing stopped, it didn’t appear every day. But it didn’t disappear. They came back with less frequency. I could not give it up. I often think of myself as two people in one body. And when one, for example the male one, is outside too long, then the female one speaks out and wants to show herself. And the same goes the other way. I am not able to live only as a man, but I realize that I will also not be able to live only as a woman. Sometimes I dream that there is a magic button that changes a man’s sex on call and can easily return to his previous form. But I know that such a thing does not exist and I have to accept it.
My other half
Another situation when I wanted to give up crossdressing was when I met my other half. I thought that I wouldn’t have to dress up to satisfy my “female needs” anymore. I finally had a girlfriend. But I realized that’s not the point. Dressing up as a woman is not a substitute for a partner. I don’t know if others think the same, but when our relationship started, there was a hope in my head that I could throw away all my woman clothes, underwear and free myself from it. Nothing could be further from the truth. Every time I stayed alone in the apartment for a day or two, the desire to change clothes was present all the time. Practically nothing has changed. But thanks to a wonderful partner who accepted my hobbies and interests, I understood that I don’t have to fight against it. It is nothing bad. It’s a part of me, my personality and it’s impossible to give it up, without damaging my psyche.
I have read a lot of stories on the Internet about how some people tried to give up crossdressing. And practically every time the desire to dress up as a woman came back. Although some people got married, had children and knew they should stop, still their inner need was stronger and even doubled after a long break. What I want to say in this entry is that we all should accept each other as we are. And I know that this is difficult, especially since we belong to a minority, and our behavior seems abnormal, strange. But the sooner we realize that we will not fight this and that we should like ourselves, the better for our mental health and probably also for the environment we live in.
