My life is changing. I perceive myself differently, I have more acceptance for my person. However, I still have confusion in my head, not everything is so simple and clear as one would like it to be. Human psyche is very complicated.
As I wrote in the last article, I started to walk more often in heeled shoes, in my male form. But that’s not the only change that has happened in my life. I’m more adventurous and not afraid to look at women’s items in stores. Because of my small foot, it was always difficult for me to find a good size in the men’s shoe department. However, now I prefer to buy women’s shoes that look like men’s shoes in many cases anyway. My wife and I recently bought the same sports shoes, women’s of course. But as for me they are unisex actually. This gender division doesn’t exist for me lately.
I also wear women’s clothes more often even on my daily video calls at work when the camera is on. Yes, they are not blouses with necklines, rather a floral shirt or another top that is hard to tell at first glance if it is woman’s or not. But I know it’s ladylike, it feels nice to the touch, and it has shorter sleeves, for example. And I feel good with it. I also sometimes wear women’s pants when I am outside. They are cigarette pants so that they fit well on my body and actually, at first glance, they could be taken for men’s suit pants. But I know they are women’s. And they don’t have big pockets, which means I can’t stash anything in there, unfortunately. But I don’t mind that, I carry a purse with me, a man’s purse. It’s very practical, I have many useful accessories with me (tissues, pocket knife, shopping net) and I don’t have such stuffed pockets.
I also managed to buy a nice brown winter coat. Women’s, of course, but the cut is basically unisex, the zippers are gold at most. And it has no inside pockets, which I kind of regret. However, I feel good in it. I am myself. And I dress like a man (you may think so on the outside), but all these are women’s clothes. I am not afraid to go out like that. I’m finally living the life I want to live.
For a while now, I’ve been putting on subtle makeup for my daily routine. That is, a light eyeliner, some eye shadow, sometimes a light foundation. It doesn’t make a big impression, but I think it improves my look a lot. And I feel good about myself. When I wash my makeup off in the evening, my eyes are so bare, like they’re missing something. And I definitely prefer myself in light makeup. I have fallen into the trap of looking worse in my perception without it.
So, who am I? A non-binary person? I guess so. Given that it is a very broad term, I think it describes me well. I don’t have a problem with being biologically male, I accept my body, however culturally/socially I am somewhere between male and female. Genderfluid? I think so. I like to combine elements of clothing of two genders, play with fashion. I do not accept the rigid division into what is appropriate for a man and what is not. And this applies not only to clothes, but also to behavior and character traits. I want to be myself and I know that my personality does not fit into any rigid frame. I discover myself all the time.