A strong title, and it partially reflects how I feel. Some time ago, I wrote that I’m not a transgender person, that I don’t want to transition. But life decided to write a different script, despite my best efforts to push away something that had been inside me for a long time.
There’s a saying in our rainbow community: What’s the difference between a crossdresser and a transgender person? Three years. For those unfamiliar, this means that sooner or later, a crossdresser whose main motivation is to feel feminine for a short time realizes they are, in fact, a woman and wants to transition. I followed a similar path, even though I tried hard not to let it happen.
A Turning Point
I believe one trip changed everything for me. I decided to be a woman for an entire weekend, from Friday to Sunday. I went to Krakow with friends and felt amazing. By the end of the trip, however, I realized that I could live like this. Expressing my femininity daily, liking what I see in the mirror, wearing what I want—it all felt so natural. Normally, after such trips, I’d feel recharged, energized by being myself for a little while. But this time, something inside me broke, and I felt incredibly down after returning. I didn’t want to go back to my male identity, the role society had imposed on me. I wanted to live as a woman.
This moment triggered a significant decline in my mood for the next few months. I threw myself into gardening work just to distract myself from these thoughts. I was running away from myself, from what I wanted. I was also avoiding a confrontation with my wife. I didn’t want to admit to being transgender; I didn’t want to do this to her. But it couldn’t be hidden or forgotten. Only Magda knows what I went through and how hard it was for me.
No one can accuse me of not trying to live as a man. I tried to fit into that role, dressing in a certain way, behaving as expected. The problem is that it was never truly me. When I went out, I would longingly look at women’s shoes I liked more, at clothes that had to stay in my closet, and at my face, which looked so much better with full makeup. I increasingly disliked wearing men’s pants, and every outing in male form caused me internal pain. Those months were the worst period of my life.
Accepting Myself
I’m incredibly fortunate to have such a wonderful person by my side. My wife was and still is my greatest support, accepting me for who I am. She kept reassuring me that she would love me no matter what decision I made. I wrestled with my thoughts, not wanting to make this decision. But not making a decision is a decision in itself.
I started therapy and slowly opened up to myself. When I finally accepted myself as a transgender person, my life became happier. I have a wonderful wife who stands by me, supportive parents, and an accepting sister. What more could I ask for? Many people would envy my situation, and I deeply appreciate what I have.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I still have doubts that I work through in therapy. There’s still the fear of “what will people say?” The fear of hate and transphobia remains. Yet I’m walking this path with my loved ones. I know it won’t be easy for me, and I know it will be harder for my wife too. But I’m done lying to myself.
Challenges
As of now, some of the challenges we face include divorce—since we cannot be a married couple of two women in Poland. Then, I’ll have to sue my parents to change my gender in my documents. I spend a lot of money on laser hair removal, medical appointments, and voice lessons. It’s not easy. But I believe I’ll manage. I want to show others that it’s possible. I’ll stand strong against hate, especially from those whose own lives are unhappy and who cannot be themselves. After all, happy people don’t waste their time insulting others online, do they?
Crossdressing and Transgender Identity
Is every crossdresser a transgender person? It’s a difficult question. I believe there are people who identify as crossdressers, meaning it’s enough for them to take on a feminine role occasionally. I know at least one such person. However, many crossdressers are transgender individuals who, given the right circumstances (like family acceptance), would be able to transition. Yet, when faced with the potential loss of family, children, or work, they sacrifice their identity for others. I know a few such people, and I understand how hard it is for them to live that way—choosing between their own happiness and their family or children.
What’s Next for the Blog?
My blog is called MyCrossdressing. But now I’m a transgender person, and I wonder what to do next. I definitely won’t delete the site because I know my posts are helpful to many people. I’ll continue uploading posts, guides, and my thoughts, but now from a slightly different perspective. I’m also considering starting a new blog to document my transition journey. We’ll see.
Why do I feel like I failed myself and the community? Because I thought the path from crossdressing to being transgender wouldn’t apply to me. I wanted to show online that it’s possible to be a happy crossdresser without transitioning. I wanted to show partners that crossdressing doesn’t always lead to gender correction. I wanted to show that you can be happy fulfilling the social role assigned to you, that experimenting with clothes and light makeup could be enough. I was wrong. I was very wrong.
I hope my blog will still be visited and that I can help others. And I hope this post doesn’t offend any community. In truth, I didn’t fail myself—people change, and nothing can ever be taken as a given. I’ve changed, and I’m stepping onto a new, happier path in life.
